Mr Gum: Why Books is Completely Stupid an’ a Total Waste of Time

Mr Gum: Why Books is Completely Stupid an’ a Total Waste of Time

1/ BOOKS IS FULL OF WORDS WHAT MAKES YOU THINK

I tried readin’ a book the other day an’ it was a complete hassle. It was full of all these flippin’ WORDS all over the place, right, an’ when I started readin’ it, all them words got inside me head an’ started flyin’ round me brains, tryin’ to make me think, an’ confusin’ me up until I got so confused that I ended up flushin’ me dinner down the toilet an’ tryin’ to eat a plateful of me own – well, never you mind what happened, it was horrible. Just keep away from words, that’s what I’m tryin’ to say. Words makes you intelligent an’ teaches you about the world. It’s much better to know nothin’ whatsoever an’ just sit around all day like a filthy old potato what no one even likes.

2/ BOOKS GET YOUR IMAGINATION GOIN’

Shabba me whiskers! I HATE it when me imagination gets goin’! I’d much rather spend me time bein’ bored an’ miserable! The other day I was in the park an’ I seen some stupid little kid what was readin’ one of them Harry Potty books or whatever they’re called. So I go up to him an’ I sticks me nose right in his face an’ I says, ‘OI! CHILD-FACE! Why you smilin’ like that an’ lookin’ like you’re havin’ the time of your life, that’s what I wanna know!’ An’ he says it’s cos them Harry Potty stories is so excitin’ an’ adventurous an’ there’s all this magic an’ funny animals an’ a wizard what can fly underwater an’ turn himself into a J.K. Rowling or somethin’.

So I grabbed that book off him an’ I had a look for meself an’ he was absolutely right. It was dreadful, I could feel me imagination startin’ to grow cos it was so excitin’. I didn’t want none of that – I ain’t got the time for imagination, I don’t likes it, I tells ya! So I threw the book in a pond. An’ then I threw the kid in the pond. An’ then I threw the pond in the pond, don’t ask me how but it’s true.

2/ SOME OF THEM BOOKS GOT BRILLIANT DRAWIN’S IN

I hate brilliant drawin’s, cos they make books even more excitin’. An’ I already told you – I don’t want none of that. Life shouldn’t be full of excitin’ stories an’ fun an’ brilliant drawin’s. Life should be full of a mighty army of giant scorpions what I can control an’ what can attack all of me enemies to show them who’s the boss – me.

3/ SOME OF THEM BOOKS GOT EXCITIN’ COVERS TOO

BLEM! It ain’t enough that books is full of excitin’ words an’ stories an’ drawin’s. They even try to get you jus’ when you’re not expectin’ it. An’ how? By havin’ excitin’ covers what you can’t avoid, an’ sneakin’ up on you at every opportunity they can get. The other day I was walkin’ down the high street, jus’ mindin’ me own business, an’ I walks past a book shop, right, an’ then suddenly – there they all were! All them books in the windows with their excitin’ colourful covers, tryin’ to get into me brains an’ get me imagination goin’! I couldn’t flippin’ well stand it, I tells ya! I felt so ill that I was immediately sick all over a small dog. Well, actually, there weren’t any small dogs around so I had to spend the rest of the afternoon lookin’ for a small dog. Four hours later I eventually found a small dog – an’ I was immediately sick all over it. Blimmin’ books.

4/ I JUST HATE BOOKS

I don’t even need any other reasons, I said it all an’ I do what I like, so shut up.

5/ GO AWAY

I ain’t got the time to talk to you all day, seriously, jus’ leave me alone. I got important things to do.

6/ GET LOST

Stop botherin’ me. Go an’ read a book or somethin’.

THE END