Jim: Hi Barry, thanks for talking to me.
Barry: No problemo.
Jim: We’re talking at the end of the summer holidays. Have you enjoyed yours?
Barry: Yeah, they’ve been keel!
Jim: ‘Keel’? What does that mean?
Barry: It’s what Future Ratboy says when he wants to say ‘cool’. Future Ratboy is my favourite TV show!
Jim: That’s weird, because I used to say ‘keel’ when I was a kid. I thought it sounded like the way Americans said “cool”.
Barry: Sounds like we’ve got a few things in common.
Jim: Hopefully not nose size. No offence.
Barry: Loads taken.
Jim: So you’ve got quite a few books out now, haven’t you.
Barry: Oh no, you’re one of those people who starts sentences with the word ‘so’.
Jim: So what?
Barry: So it’s annoying. Just cut the so out and get on with it.
Jim: You’re much grumpier in real life than in your books!
Barry: What are you like in real life?
Jim: Really really nice.
Barry: Anyway, about my books. Yeah, I’ve just finished writing number nine. Plus there are three Future Ratboy books too. They’re sort of spin-offs of my Barry Loser ones.
Jim: Hang on a millikeels, shouldn’t I be the one talking about writing books?
Barry: Oh yeah, you write them don’t you. I’m just in them!
Jim: Tell me about your best friend, Bunky.
Barry: He’s an idiot.
Jim: Careful, he’s based on my best friend from when I was a kid. His name was Ben and he’d come round my house every day in the summer holidays. Usually before I’d even woken up.
Barry: Just like Bunky! How does Ben look now, so I can imagine what Bunky’s going to turn into.
Jim: Not good.
Barry: What’s he like?
Jim: An idiot.
Barry: So who am I based on then?
Jim: You just did that ‘so’ thing. You’re based on me, by the way. I didn’t have as big a nose as you though. No offense.
Barry: Once again, loads taken. Hey, I just thought of something. Your second name is ‘Smith’. Does that mean you own WHSmith?
Jim: No, I get that question a lot though. I know ‘Smith’ is a rare name, but I don’t actually own WHSmith. I also don’t own Smith’s Crisps.
Barry: Shame, I love WHSmith. They sell my books, you know.
Jim: I know! Did you also know that my kid’s initials are WH, So his whole name is WHSmith!
Barry: Are you planning any more books about me?
Jim: Yeah, the next one I’m writing is all about football.
Barry: But I’m rubbish at football!
Jim: Me too!
Barry: I’m really enjoying this chat, but my mum’s calling upstairs. Apparently it’s ‘dinner’, whatever that is?
Jim: Dinner? That’s the meal you eat in the evening. You’ve never heard of dinner?
Barry: Just joking around with you.
Jim: This is so fun!
Barry: One last question: do you have any ideas for other books?
Jim: Yes, I’ve got this idea for a new kids’ book about a WHSmith cashier called Brenda who chops up customers and makes them into Bolognese sauce.
Barry: Yeah, not sure WHSmith are gonna go for that one.
Jim: Let’s see. What’s for dinner anyway?
Barry: Spag bol. Thanks for ruining it.