Read an Extract From Me, Me, Me! by Charlotte Crosby

Read an Extract From Me, Me, Me! by Charlotte Crosby

Read an extract from Me Me Me! Below for a glimpse at life as teenage Charlotte Crosby.

Please note: This extract discusses sex and relationships. Some parents may wish to judge its appropriateness before allowing their children to read it.

Becoming a Woman: My First Pube

I was about fourteen or fifteen when I started to have sexual feelings.

Me mam and dad used to watch the comedian character Ali G on telly; they thought he was hilarious and would sit there laughing their heads off. Someone bought them an Ali G book for Christmas . . . and in the back there were diagrams of sex positions and sketches of a real-life penis! It was hidden in the cupboard but I used to get it out when no one was watching. I’d look at the pictures and think ‘Whoa!’. I knew it was rude because it had been hidden (which obviously made me go and look at it all the time) and when I read it I got weird feelings down there, but I didn’t tell anyone.

There was also a show on telly called Nip/Tuck about these men who were plastic surgeons and I liked it because they sometimes had sex in the show. I used to sneak it on my TV late at night when Mam and Dad thought I was asleep and I’d put the volume on really low so no one could hear. I used to feel really weird when I watched it and got a nice tingly feeling. That’s when I realised there was something out there that I needed to discover.

Maybe I experienced those feelings a bit earlier, too, as sometimes when I’d be in school, I’d brush my fairy (the name I gave my vagina) past the corners of the tables because I liked the sensation it gave me. I’d stand there sharpening my pencil and I’d be rubbing up and down on the corner of the table! I was quite secretive about it so I don’t think the teacher ever noticed. It used to feel NICE! But I was too young to realise what I was doing back then.

What I didn’t ever need to discover though, was me mam and dad having sex. I remember hearing them at it and I wanted to cry. I heard noises and banging coming from their room and I used to put my head under my pillow. I knew there was something weird going on and I didn’t like it.

Mam worked in a sandwich shop called the Lunchbox and for years I’d walk there after school. Me and Lauren used to wind her up all the time and one day she tried to get her own back: ‘Charlotte, you spend so much time with Lauren lately people might think you’re a lesbian.’

‘Well, I know you’re not a lesbian because I heard you having sex and it made me want to cry under my pillow!’ I retorted.

‘Oh my God, Charlotte!’ Mam was gutted.

‘Yeah, you should be upset, Mam. It was awful for me. I’ll never get those memories out of my head!’

Because I went to an all-girls’ school, all everyone talked about was what it would be like having sex with a boy and anyone who’d actually done it was seen as really cool. I think it was because we rarely saw boys, which meant the opportunity for fornication (as the nuns called it) didn’t present itself very often. So if you’d actually had sex with a boy everyone looked up to you (which is pretty warped now I come to think of it).

I wasn’t anywhere near doing that yet, though. Me and Natalie spent most of our time at school in a pretend band called ‘The Naked Marchers’ – although we were never actually naked.

One of our songs went like this:

Sexual positions are easy as additions
Do do do do do do do do
Up and down and all around
Do do do do do do do do
Left to right, easy as sh*te
Do do do do do do do do
Under the sheet, to the beat
Do do do do do do do do
Sexual positions are easy as additions

It was a short song, but very effective.

Everyone loved our songs; we constantly practised them in the playground. Natalie’s brother was in a proper band and he played the guitar in the background of one of the songs and it sounded amazing. I’d still love to be in a band – but not a real one, a parody one a bit like Flight of the Conchords.

There was an underage midweek disco called Lush (Mam called them ‘nappy nights’) in Sunderland and that’s where we got to mingle with actual boys. It was at Lush that I had my first kiss. And it was a disaster.

Me Me Me! by Charlotte Crosby is out now and available to order online as a Hardback or eBook.