KSI Reads an Extract From His New Book I Am A Bellend

KSI Reads an Extract From His New Book I Am A Bellend


My Mum’s Online Etiquette Guide

When I was growing up my mum was on my case all the time. ‘JJ, why are your socks like cardboard?’ and ‘JJ, stop RKOing your brother from out of nowhere’. I couldn’t do nothing without her in my earhole. But while it used to do my head in, I know now that she probably stopped me from becoming a total bellend, rather than just a partial one ; )

But while mums can kick your ass in real life, social-media doesn’t seem to apply the same rules. You see, when you’re online you can be a prize bellend without your mum finding out and whooping your ass. While that can be a good thing, sometimes we all need to listen to our mums, so I’ve roped in mine to see what she thinks about some common online stereotypes. They say mums know best, so over to you, Mum!

Thank you, JJ. Ok, this should be fun. Let’s see what we have here…

THE OVERSHARER

An individual who shares every single detail about their lives on social-media, no matter how trivial or embarrassing.

I think these people just want to play a part in the world. They must be lonely to be constantly putting stuff out there, trying to get people’s attention. But they need to be careful, as whatever they put online is there forever, and they don’t want it to come back to haunt them in later life. And they also need to remember that some of the things they say might have an effect on their friends and family. I’ve had to tell JJ off numerous times for saying too much about certain things, such as drawing pictures of how he was conceived. If he really wants to know how it happened, all he has to do is ask and I’ll give him the gory details!

THE HUMBLEBRAGGER

An individual whose posts appear humble but are in fact a shameless attempt to boast about their lives.

I always tell my sons how important it is to be humble, but at the same time not to be ashamed of their success. If you’re proud of what you have achieved, and want to share it with the world, go right ahead. Who knows, people might be inspired or even learn from it. But remember, no one likes a show-off, and trying too hard to appear humble is just another way of bragging. And if you really do want to show off, at least make it about something you can be proud of, like some charity work. I know my local old people’s home is looking for volunteers to help out at bath time.

THE KNOW-IT-ALL

An individual who goes online looking for an argument and is never wrong.

We all have friends who think they are never wrong. Whatever you say, they always have an answer, which they try to back up with supposed facts. And it seems like social-media is full of these sorts of people, who go online looking for an argument, and more often than not it’s just an excuse to try to appear superior or to bully others. I tell my sons that it’s important to fight for your beliefs, but you should listen to others’ opinions as well. You don’t need to go shouting your mouth off all the time. Let people respect you, and eventually they will ask you for your opinion. And if you do enjoy debating, why not join a debating society to learn the ropes? Who knows, it might be something you could put to good use in the future, rather than just arguing with others online.

THE BREAKING NEWSER

An individual who always has to be the first to break the latest news in an attempt to set themselves up as the authority on the subject.

These people feel the need to be the first to post any big news, so that people will interact with them. That’s fine, I suppose, as it is a way of starting a conversation, but again, you’ve got to be so careful what you post. There have been a few cases recently where social-media users have been sued for posting incorrect stories. A single tweet has cost them thousands of pounds. So, before you click ‘submit’, check that what you are posting is true. If being the first with the news is something that excites you, then why not look into working for your school’s newsletter, or even starting a blog?