Jeff Kinney: You’ve always said you wanted to be rich and famous. How’s that working out so far?
Greg Heffley: The famous part is working out pretty good, but somebody printed a few million copies of my journals and I haven’t seen a dime. Somebody’s making money here, and it isn’t me. I’ve got my lawyers working on it.
Jeff : What’s it like having your own float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?
Greg : First of all, it’s a giant helium balloon, not a float. There’s a difference. I was happy about the whole idea until I found out my nose would be a few feet from Kermit the Frog’s rear end. Next year either my balloon’s up front or I’m gonna pop it.
Jeff : What do you think of middle school so far?
Greg : It’s all right, but I feel like I’ve been in middle school for, like, seven years.
Jeff : How much longer do you think people will be interested in reading about your life?
Greg : There are, like, what, 200 Baby-sitters Club books? I’ve barely gotten started.
Jeff : What’s next for you?
Greg : I’ve been talking to my people about expanding my brand. Next step is reality TV—and I’m launching a personal fragrance in the third quarter of next year.
Jeff : What’s your dream product?
Greg : My own Ben and Jerry’s flavour: Dairy of a Wimpy Kid.
Jeff : Is there any merchandise you won’t agree to?
Greg : My agent came to me with a proposal for Wimpy Kid–branded swim nappies. Once you go down-market, it’s hard to go back up.
Jeff : You’re almost out of colours for your book covers. What are you going to do next?
Greg : I’m thinking metallics, denim — different materials. Book 20 will glow in the dark, if we can get the costs down.
Jeff : Do you feel like you’re the master of your own destiny, or does it seem like there’s a 43-year-old man making all of your life’s decisions?
Greg : Alright, this is getting a little weird. This interview is over.