Grace Helbig: An Open Letter to Heels

Grace Helbig: An Open Letter to Heels

Dear Heels,

I had to put this on paper, because every time I try to say it to your face, you hypnotize me with your good looks and delicate ways and somehow convince me you’ve changed.

But we both know that isn’t true. What I’m trying to say, Heels, is that I don’t think we’re a good fit. I know this is uncomfortable.

But so are we.

At times you lift me up, you make me feel strong and confident.

All the ladies love you. Even some men. You want to make me a better person. You want to make my outfit look better on my person. You support my butt when the French fries don’t. You help me lie about having a sense of style. You’ve upped my foot-stomping game when it comes to defending myself against potential predators. You never judge me when I make you role-play that I’m a successful lawyer in the final act of a movie power-walking into a courtroom to defend a case that no one thinks I can win. You make my calves seem like real body parts. You stay constant when my other clothes don’t. And for all of that, I thank you.

But at the same time . . .

“I can’t concentrate in flats!” – Victoria Beckham      “I can dominate in flats.” – Grace Helbig

You bring me down at unexpected moments. You cause me emotional pain. You cause my ankles physical pain. You give me delusions of grandeur. You pretend to support me but puss out after twenty minutes. You can’t handle your booze. You can’t handle my booze. You’re a financial burden. You’ve bullied my big toenails into running away more than once. You take up too much room when we travel. You constantly try to sabotage the things I like: sports and the beach and grass and boats and bounce castles and jumping on the bed and playing with my dog and water beds and standing and walking and driving and making guacamole.

So, Heels, I don’t know where we stand. Sometimes I can’t stand you and sometimes I can’t stand in you. You have outstanding qualities, but your impulsiveness makes me standoffish. We’re at a standstill. I hope you understand. If you want to reach out, I’ll be on standby, standing by the nightstand doing some headstands.

Standard.

Staying grounded,

Grace

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