Jonny Duddle Reads from The Pirate Cruncher Transcript
It’s called The Pirate Cruncher! by Jonny Duddle… which is me.
There be treasure aboard, ooh-arr, watch out for monsters. Here be treasure, get it quick before some other pirates do.
My dear fellow pirate, do ye want to be rich? To get treasure beyond yer wildest dreams, to find nuggets of gold as big as ships’ beams? And diamonds and rubies the size of yer eyes! Just follow this map to claim yer prize. From a friend, kiss, kiss, kiss.
All was unusually quiet in Port Royal, but if you listen carefully on the quay side, down the alleyways and in the candle-lit taverns, you could hear the faint sound of a fiddle floating on the wind. >Outside the Thirsty Parrot Inn an old fiddler appeared, and as he fiddled he sang a song. “I was sailing one day and what did I see? An island of gold in the scurvy sea! With a fiddle-dee-dee there’ll be treasure for me. Fiddle-dee-dee, across the sea.”
His shanty caught the ear of dastardly Captain Purplebeard. Putting down his ale and wiping his lips, Purplebeard bellowed out the window “Treasure you say? Can you show us the way?”
“I’m partial to a bit of treasure!”
“And us, we want some!”
“So do I! I like the way it twinkles!”
“Personally, I think treasure causes nothing but trouble! Squawk!”
To the Captain’s delight the fiddler replied “As I sailed the seas I scribbled a map so that when I got home I could find my way back. Ye cannot imagine the booty that’s there, a huge haul of treasure beyond compare!”
“I can imagine a ship-load of treasure” roared Captain Purplebeard, “Diamonds and rubies and gold beyond measure.”
“I can imagine bags and bags!”
“I’d rather have a bag of penauts squawk…”
“I’d like some new gold teeth.”
“I’d like to fill me boots with lots of loot!”
“I want more treasure than I can eat!”
“You eat treasure?”
“Only the small bits.”
The fiddler unfurled his map and sang “I’ll show ye me map if you’ll take me there, there’ll be treasure enough for us all to share!”
“By thunder! That sounds just like our sort of plunder or my name ain’t Purplebeard of Penzance. Finish your grog lads – we set sail at once!”
The sun was coming up as Captain Purplebeard and his cut-throat crew boarded their ship The Black Hole. Behind them came the fiddler singing “To find this island you’ll have to be quick for they say it performs a vanishing trick, and none who’ve tried to set foot on its sands have returned to pirate lands.”
But the Captain sneared “What nonsense I say! All aboard me hearties! Ooh-Arr!”
So off they sailed across the seas, and as they tucked into breakfast the fiddler began again… “There is one small thing I forgot yesterday. There’s also a monster, or so they say. He likes to eat pirates who come for his treasure, and he chews up their ships just for good measure.”
“You scruvy sea dog!” bellowed the Captain “Be it made up or monstrous, it’s no match for me. I’m Captain Purplebeard, scourge of the sea.”
“Oh yes I agree, he doesn’t scare me, though no bones about it he’s a big ol’ beast, who likes nothing more than a pirate feast. He can swallow whole ships in his whirlpool jaws, though they say he’s allergic to scarlet macaws. There are rubies and diamonds the size of balloons, silvers and guineas and golden dubloons, but grab it all quick or he’ll have your entrails. Fiddle-dee-dee let’s spread those sails.”
But no one moved on the deck below, the crew looked around in fear and dread as visions of monsters filled their heads.
“Actually, I’ve never been that fond of treasure.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure I can stay.”
“I forgot it’s the parrot’s picnic today.”
“Let’s give the ship a clean instead.”
“If we don’t go home, we’ll end up dead!”
“Go home!!” roared Captain Purplebeard, “I’ll keelhaul you all, you cowardly landlubbers! The only thing you need to be frightened of is me!”
So with visions of monsters in every head, the motley old crew trudged off to bed. Most had nightmares and terrible dreams, and the hold was full of pirate screams. But up on the poop deck the Captain was happy, for his head was full of dreams of treasure. “Gold or silver I don’t care which just as long as it makes me filthy rich!”
Next morning the crew were worried, they couldn’t be sure about the day before, it seemed that they had numbered more. And the fiddler told them “You’re too scared to turn back to port, you’re happy and healthy but for scruvy and warts. It’s safer by far to return to the shore, and as for the treasure, do you really need more?”
“Shiver me timbers!” laughed Captain Purplebeard, “You should know by now that never ever can a pirate have enough treasure. If there’s a beast it better beware, I can smell the gold we’re nearly there.”
Just then, from up in the crow’s nest, there came a call. “Land ahoy!”
“Hurrah” yelled the pirates, forgetting their fear. Now the promise of treasure was so very near. “We’re going to be rich! Rich! Rich!”
As they clamboured ashore no one saw a thing wrong, too busy to heed the fiddler’s last song. “Off you go boys but I think I’ll stay here, I doubt what you’ll find will bring you much cheer. For a pile of old metal, you don’t really need has brought on a dangerous case of greed! And being greedy you know is wrong which bring me at last to the end of my song!”
“It’s ours now!”
“All of it!”
“More treasure for me!”
It’s not a very happy ending for the pirates.
“I was swimming one day and what did I see, a pirate-packed boat in that scurvy sea. With a fiddle-dee-dee there’ll be dinner for me, fiddle-dee-dee across the – burp!”
The End! And that’s the end.
Child 1: We actually liked the bits where they got eaten.
Child 2: Yeah
Child 2: They should have really noticed that the monster was controlling fiddler.
Child 1: And they should have really noticed that the tentacles was the monster.
Child 2: And the tentacles weren’t being helpful. They were being –
Child 1: – they were just steering the boat to get it to –
Child 2: – to get the boat to the island so the monster can eat them.
Child 1: It’s funny and it’s really nice to let other kids listen to.
Child 2: Maddie you’ve just took the words right out my mouth.