On Breaking Conventions
“The best advice my mother gave me was to ‘be a lady.’ But I never really knew what that meant, and obviously didn’t take to it.”
We love that Amy doesn’t believe people should conform to the expectations put upon them by society. She feels particularly passionate about this in regards to gender issues, and has talked about her desire to eradicate the outdated ideals placed upon women – namely, that they should keep their mouths shut. If being a lady means keeping your mouth shut, Amy, then thank goodness you aren’t one!
On her Childhood Friends
“The girls I grew up with they’re living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still react like, ‘What are you going to do? I’ll drive you, I guess.”
We’re sure most adults can agree with this – when do you actually start feeling like a grown-up? We’re still waiting for that moment to kick in! It just goes to show that even a hugely talented and successful celebrity has the same hang-ups that we do – and still feels like a big kid who’s just making it up as they go along!
On Previous Love Interests
“I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’”
This was said during a stand-up performance, and obviously there’s no way of knowing whether it actually happened (though Amy wouldn’t lie to us, right?) – either way, we don’t really care! Amy isn’t afraid to discuss her sex life or her exes – whether it’s the good, the bad or the good-looking homeless…
On Other People’s Perceptions of Her
“In New York I’m, like, a six – seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘What the f*** is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyoncé calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, b****. Do some lunges.’”
You’ll have to excuse the French in this one, but quite honestly it’s hard to find quotes from Amy without a bit of bad language! Showing here that she’s the master of self-deprecation, Amy manages to laugh at herself without asking for sympathy in return. And she certainly paints a good picture!
“I thought it was a mistake that I was invited [to the Vanity Fair Oscar party]. Even my publicist was really confused as to why they would allow me to be there. She was like, ‘Do you know someone who works at that restaurant? Why are you invited?’”
Talking here on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Amy once again shows that she hasn’t let the lofty heights of fame go to her head – in fact, it’s like she’s one of us and still can’t quite believe her luck that she gets invited to the best parties! We’re sure she made that party about 95% more fun, anyway.
On Getting Red-Carpet Ready
“It took me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes!”
Taking a swipe at the media’s obsession with how women look, how much weight they have lost leading up to an event and ‘who’ they are wearing, Amy is honest to the core about the pains of female grooming. And she hints that it still won’t be good enough for the media, who love to pick people apart – so she’s just beating them to it (even though we think she always look amazing!).
On Being Described as a Funny ‘Woman’
“I’d like to thank all the people who pointed out that I was a woman … You made sure I didn’t lose sight of my ovaries. Thank you. Without your constant reminders, I may have just forgotten my uterus on a crosstown bus, but you guys made me perpetually aware that I bleed once a month and I can tell a joke!”
They say that sarcasm is the lowest form of comedy, but Amy totally disproves that here by calling out all the people who make a point of highlighting her gender – even if it isn’t relevant to the topic in question. Take that, patriarchy!
On her Jewish Heritage
“The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I’ll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me — this is awesome!”
Showing an uncanny ability to flip a story on its head, just when you think this is a sad anecdote about Amy’s childhood (which it still is, of course), she reclaims the story and uses it to her advantage. We just hope those kids she went to school with are sorry!
On her Personal Trainer’s New Diet Plan
“He’s like, okay, here’s your new diet. So for breakfast, you’ll have a smoothie. Then for lunch, you’ll journal about that smoothie. And then you put a peanut under your pillow and you hope you dream about pizza.”
Obviously this isn’t a real diet plan (we hope!), but it certainly highlights the ridiculous lengths actresses are expected to go to in order to meet Hollywood ideals. Amy tackles body issues and fat shaming head-on, opening the topic up for debate and forcing us to question the status quo.
On Paparazzi Pictures
“One of the first times I was papped they caught me stand-up paddle boarding in Hawaii. I didn’t even recognise myself. I saw the shots and thought, ‘Oh cool, Alfred Hitchcock is alive and likes water sports.’ But nope. It was me.”
This excerpt from her book, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo, made us chuckle right into our coffee. Some celebs might get upset seeing unflattering pictures of themselves in the press, or even hire their own photographer – but not our Amy! She laughs it off and moves on with her life, because she knows there are more important things than looking good in photos.
On Ignoring the Haters
“I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, “All right! You got it. You figured me out. I’m not pretty. I’m not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I’ll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house.” […] But then I think, f*** that. […] I am a woman with thoughts and questions […]. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story — I will.”
This was part of Amy’s moving and inspirational speech for the Ms. Foundation for Women Gala, during which she shared intimate anecdotes from her college years and explained why she has decided to be her own fairy godmother, even when she doubts herself. No matter how much people try and beat her down, she just comes back fighting – you’ve got to admire that!
If you’d like to read Amy’s story in her own words, you can get your hands on The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo here – but be careful where you read it… no one wants to be the weirdo laughing to themselves at the back of the bus!