50 Times Harry Potter Made us Laugh Out Loud

50 Times Harry Potter Made us Laugh Out Loud

1. When Ron had a sudden revelation… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

But Ron was staring at Hermione as though suddenly seeing her in a whole new light.

“Hermione, Neville’s right – you are a girl… “

“Oh well spotted,” she said acidly.’

2. When Professor Moody decided to teach Draco Malfoy a proper lesson… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Hello, Professor McGonagall,” said Moody calmly, bouncing the ferret still higher.

“What – what are you doing?” said Professor McGonagall, her eyes following the bouncing ferret’s progress through the air.

“Teaching,” said Moody.

“Teach – Moody, is that a student?” shrieked Professor McGonagall, the books spilling out of her arms.

“Yep,” said Moody.

“No!” cried Professor McGonagall, running down the stairs and pulling out her wand, a moment later, with a loud snapping noise, Draco Malfoy had reappeared, lying in a heap on the floor with his sleek blond hair all over his now brilliantly pink face.

3. When Molly Weasley found out Ron had been made a prefect… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Mrs. Weasley let out a shriek just like Hermione’s.

“I don’t believe it!” Oh, Ron, how wonderful! A prefect! That’s everyone in the family!”

“What are Fred and I, next-door neighbours?” said George indignantly, as his mother pushed him aside and flung her arms around her youngest son.

4. When Snape tried to read the Marauder’s Map… – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

‘Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.’

Snape froze. Harry stared, dumbstruck, at the message. But the map didn’t stop there. More writing was appearing beneath the first.

‘Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.’

5. When Dumbledore informed Harry of his favourite flavour jam… – Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

“Sir – I got a Ministry of Magic leaflet by owl, about security measures we should all take against the Death Eaters…”

“Yes I received one myself,” said Dumbledore, still smiling. “Did you find it useful?”

“Not really.”

“No I thought not. You have not asked me, for instance, what is my favourite flavour of jam, to check that I am indeed Professor Dumbledore, and not an impostor.”

“I didn’t…” Harry began, not entirely sure whether he was being reprimanded or not.

“For future reference, Harry, it is raspberry…although of course, if I were a Death Eater, I would have been sure to research my own jam preferences before impersonating myself.”

6. When Dumbledore told us about the secret room he found on a nighttime bathroom trip… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

‘Oh, I would never dream of assuming I know all Hogwarts’ secrets, Igor,’ said Dumbledore amicably. ‘Only this morning, for instance, I took a wrong turning on the way to the bathroom and found myself in a beautifully proportioned room I have never seen before, containing a really rather magnificent collection of chamberpots. When I went back to investigate more closely, I discovered that the room had vanished. But I must keep an eye out for it. Possibly it is only accessible at five thirty in the morning. Or it may only appear at the quarter moon – or when the seeker has an exceptionally full bladder.”

7. When Dumbledore revealed what he saw in the mirror of erised… – Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“What do you see when you look in the Mirror?”

“I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woollen socks.”

Harry stared.

“One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.”

8. When Dumbledore revealed his bashful side… – Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“It’s lucky it’s dark. I haven’t blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.”

9. When Dumbledore told us about his brother Aberforth… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Hagrid, look what I’ve got for relatives!” Harry said furiously. “Look at the Dursleys!”

“An excellent point,” said Professor Dumbledore. “My own brother, Aberforth, was prosecuted for practising inappropriate charms on a goat. It was all over the papers, but did Aberforth hide? No, he did not! He held his head high and went about his business as usual! Of course, I’m not entirely sure he can read, so that may not have been bravery…”

10. When we found out Dumbledore’s true feelings about Divination… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“So Harry,” said Dumbledore quietly. “Before you got lost in my thoughts, you wanted to tell me something.”

“Yes,” said Harry. “Professor – I was in Divination just now, and – er – I fell asleep.”

He hesitated here, wondering if a reprimand was coming, but Dumbledore merely said, “Quite understandable. Continue.”

11. When Fred walked in at exactly the wrong moment… – Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

“Well, you can’t break an Unbreakable Vow…”

“I’d worked that much out for myself, funnily enough. What happens if you break it, then?”

“You die,” said Ron simply. “Fred and George tried to get me to make one when I was about five. I nearly did, too, I was holding hands with Fred and everything when Dad found us. He went mental,” said Ron, with a reminiscent gleam in his eyes. “Only time I’ve ever seen Dad as angry as Mum. Fred reckons his left buttock has never been the same since.”

“Yeah, well, passing over Fred’s left buttock -”

“I beg your pardon?” said Fred’s voice as the twins entered the kitchen.”

12. When Ron predicted Hermione’s greatest fear… – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“He seems like a very good teacher,” said Hermione approvingly. “But I wish I could have had a turn with the boggart -”

“What would it have been for you?” said Ron, sniggering, “A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?”

13. When Ron was less than pleased with his dress robes… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“I’m never wearing them,” Ron was saying stubbornly. “Never.”

“Fine,” snapped Mrs. Weasley. “Go naked. And Harry, make sure you get a picture of him. Goodness knows I could do with a laugh.”

14. When Fred commented on Ron’s goalkeeping skills… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Has Ron saved a goal yet?” asked Hermione, peering over the top of Magical Hieroglyphs and Logograms.

“Well, he can do it if he doesn’t think anyone’s watching him,” said Fred, rolling his eyes. “So all we have to do is ask the crowd to turn their backs and talk among themselves every time the Quaffle goes up his end on Saturday.”

15. When Ron told us about Percy’s new job… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Enjoying it?” said Ron darkly. “I don’t reckon he’d come home if Dad didn’t make him. He’s obsessed. Just don’t get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch…as I was saying to Mr. Crouch…Mr. Crouch is of the opinion…Mr. Crouch was telling me… They’ll be announcing their engagement any day now.”

16. When Ron summed up Viktor Krum… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“What does she see in Krum?” Ron demanded, as he and Harry climbed the boys’ stairs.

“Well,” said Harry, considering the matter, “I s’pose he’s older, isn’t he…and he’s an international Quidditch player…”

“Yeah, but apart from that,” said Ron, sounding aggravated. “I mean, he’s a grouchy git, isn’t he?”

17. When Peeves the Poltergeist wrote a song about Harry… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Oh, most think he’s barking, the potty wee lad,

But some are more kindly and think he’s just sad,

But Peevesy knows better and says that he’s mad-”

18. One of the many times Peeves antagonised Filch… – Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“Which way did they go, Peeves?” Filch was saying. “Quick, tell me.”

“Say ‘please’.”

“Don’t mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?”

“Shan’t say nothing if you don’t say please,” said Peeves in his annoying sing-song voice.

“All right – please.”

“NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn’t say nothing if you didn’t say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!”

19. Dumbledore’s opening speech on the first day of Hogwarts… – Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”

20. When Dumbledore had an excellent joke to tell… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“It is my very great pleasure to inform you that the Triwizard Tournament will be taking place at Hogwarts this year.”

“You’re JOKING!” said Fred Weasley loudly.

The tension that had filled the Hall since Moody’s arrival suddenly broke. Nearly everyone laughed, and Dumbledore chuckled appreciatively.

“I am not joking, Mr. Weasley,” he said, “though now that you mention it, I did hear an excellent one over the summer about a troll, a hag and a leprechaun who all go into a bar – ”

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat loudly.

“Er – but maybe this is not the time…no…” said Dumbledore.

21. When Dumbledore told Rita Skeeter what he thought of her writing… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“I hope you saw my piece over the summer about the International Confederation of Wizards’ Conference?”

“Enchantingly nasty,” said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. “I particularly enjoyed your description of me as an obsolete dingbat.”

22. When the twins were sick of hearing about Percy becoming a prefect… – Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“Oh, are you a Prefect, Percy?” said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. “You should have said something, we had no idea.”

“Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it,” said the other twin. “Once -”

“Or twice -”

“A minute -”

“All summer -”

23. When the twins received their Christmas jumpers from Mrs. Weasley… – Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

“You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid – we know we’re called Gred and Forge.”

24. When Fred and George couldn’t take the rumours about Harry seriously… – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Oh, get out of the way, Percy,” said Fred. “Harry’s in a hurry.”

“Yeah, he’s nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant,” said George, chortling.

25. When Fred and George sent something to Percy at work… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be in if I was away from work for five days.”

“Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?” said Fred.

“That was a sample of fertiliser from Norway!” said Percy, going very red in the face. “It was nothing personal!

“It was,” Fred whispered to Harry as they got up from the table. “We sent it.”

26. When Fred and George comments on their father’s strange hobby… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Mad-Eye Moody?” said George thoughtfully, spreading marmalade on his toast. “Isn’t he that nutter -”

“Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody,” said Mrs. Weasley sternly.

“Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn’t he?” said Fred quietly, as Mrs. Weasley left the room. “Birds of a feather…”

27. When Harry teased Dudley about magic… – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Why’re you staring at the hedge?” he said suspiciously.

“I’m trying to decide what would be the best spell to set it on fire,” said Harry.

Dudley stumbled backward at once, a look of panic on his fat face.

“You c-can’t – Dad told me you’re not to do m-magic – he said he’ll chuck you out of the house – and you haven’t got anywhere else to go – you haven’t got any friends to take you -”

Jiggery pokery!” said Harry in a fierce voice. “Hocus pocus – squiggly wiggly –”

28. When Harry found out Dudley’s nickname… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“How long have you been ‘Big D’ then?” said Harry.

“Shut it,” snarled Dudley, turning away.

“Cool name,” said Harry, grinning and falling into step beside his cousin. “But you’ll always be ‘Ickle Diddykins’ to me.”

“I said, SHUT IT!” said Dudley, whose ham-like hands had curled into fists.

“Don’t the boys know that’s what you mum calls you?”

“Shut your face.”

“You don’t tell her to shut her face. What about ‘Popkin’ and ‘Dinky Diddydums,’ can I use them then?”

29. When Hermione was less impressed by the Beauxbatons students than the boys… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“When you’ve both put your eyes back in,” said Hermione briskly, “you’ll be able to see who’s just arrived.”

30. When Hermione revealed her thoughts on Pansy Parkinson… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“And that complete cow Pansy Parkinson,” said Hermione viciously. “How she got to be a prefect when she’s thicker than a concussed troll…”

31. When Hermione tried to help Harry with his homework… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Harry, yours is OK except for this bit at the end, I think you must have misheard Professor Sinistra, Europa’s covered in ice, not mice – ”

32. When Hermione explained how Cho Chang was feeling after Cedric’s death… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have,” said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again.

33. When Professor McGonagall pointed out the obvious… – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“Why didn’t you send us a letter by owl? I believe you have an owl?” Professor McGonagall said coldly to Harry.

Harry gaped at her. Now she’d said it, that seemed the obvious thing to have done.

“I – I didn’t think -”

“That,” said Professor McGonagall, “is obvious.”

34. When Professor McGonagall told what she really thought of Divination… – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Divination is one of the most imprecise branches of magic. I shall not conceal from you that I have very little patience with it. True seers are very rare, and Professor Trelawney…”

She stopped again, and then said, in a very matter-of-fact tone, “You look in excellent health to me, Potter, so you will excuse me if I don’t let you off homework today. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in.”

35. When Professor McGonagall had an odd response to Harry’s rant at Umbridge… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?”

“Yes,” said Harry.

“You called her a liar?”

“Yes.”

“You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?”

“Yes.”

Professor McGonagall sat down behind her desk, watching Harry closely. Then she said, “Have a biscuit, Potter.”

36. When Ron had a question for Hagrid… – Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

“‘Hello, Hagrid, tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?’’’

37. When Ron wasn’t sure about Harry’s predictions… – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Right, you’ve got a wonky sort of cross…” he said, consulting Unfogging the Future. “That means you’re going to have ‘trials and suffering’ – sorry about that – but there’s a thing that could be a sun. Hang on… that means ‘great happiness’… so you’re going to suffer but be very happy…”

“You need your Inner Eye testing, if you ask me,” said Ron, and they both had to stifle their laughs as Professor Trelawney gazed in their direction.

38. When Ron couldn’t take Divination seriously… – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Would anyone like me to help them interpret the shadowy portents within their Orb?” she murmured over the clinking of her bangles.

“I don’t need help,” Ron whispered. “It’s obvious what this means. There’s going to be loads of fog tonight.”

39. When Ron told us about Percy’s new job… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Percy’s started work – the Department of International Magical Co-operation. Don’t mention anything about Abroad while you’re here unless you want the pants bored off you.”

40. When Ron gave us a great impression of Professor Trelawney… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Aaaaah,” said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney’s mystical whisper, “when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry…”

41. When Ron had this to say about Percy’s sense of humour… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Percy wouldn’t recognise a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby’s tea-cosy.”

42. When Ron did an impression of Goyle in detention… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“I’ll make Goyle do lines, it’ll kill him, he hates writing,” said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle’s low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. “I…must…not…look…like…a…baboon’s…backside…”

43. When Ron used one of the twin’s joke quills thought of a new name for Ron… – Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

“What kind of quill are you using?”

“Its one of Fred and George’s Spell-Checking ones…but I think the charm must be wearing off…”

“Yes, it must,” said Hermione, pointing at the title of his essay, “because we were asked how we’d deal with Dementors, not ‘Dugbogs’, and I don’t remember you changing your name to ‘Roonil Wazlib’, either.”

44. This fantastic phrase from Ron… – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“And what in the name of Merlin’s most baggy Y-fronts was that about?”

45. When Ron was fascinated by Percy’s work… – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“We’re trying to standardise cauldron thickness. Some of these foreign imports are just a shade too thin – leakages have been increasing at a rate of almost three per cent a year -”

“That’ll change the world, that report will,” said Ron. “Front page of the Daily Prophet, I expect, cauldron leaks.”

46. When Harry had an interesting interpretation of Ron’s dream… – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Well I dreamed I was playing Quidditch the other night,” said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. “What d’you reckon that means?”

“Probably that you’re going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something,” said Harry.

47. When Harry told the Durdsleys about Sirius… – Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Godfather?” sputtered Uncle Vernon. “You haven’t got a godfather!”

“Yes, I have,” said Harry brightly. “He was my mum and dad’s best friend. He’s a convicted murderer, but he’s broken out of wizard prison and he’s on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though…keep up with my news…check if I’m happy…”

48. George’s first words after losing an ear… – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Saint-like,” he murmured.

“What’s wrong with him?” croaked Fred, looking terrified. “Is his mind affected?”

“Saint-like,” repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. “You see…I’m holy. Holey, Fred, geddit?”

49. When Ron had this to say about Hermione’s packing… – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“What are you doing with all those books, anyway? Ron asked, limping back to his bed.

“Just trying to decide which ones to take with us,” said Hermione. “When we’re looking for the Horcruxes.”

“Oh, of course,” said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. “I forgot we’ll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library.”

50. Ron’s excellent example as a prefect… – Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“Ron, we’re supposed to show the first-years where to go!”

“Oh yeah,” said Ron, who had obviously forgotten. “Hey – hey, you lot! Midgets!”

“Ron!”

“Well, they are, they’re titchy…”


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